In the last few weeks I have walked a road that I at times thought was impassable. I have wondered how long. I have wondered why me. I have sat in the passenger seat with tears streaming down my face as I listened to these words:
I am waiting in a silent prayer.
I am frightened by the load I bear.
In a world as cold as stone,
Must I walk this path alone?
Be with me now.
Be with me now.
Breath of heaven,
Hold me together,
Be forever near me,
Breath of heaven.
Breath of heaven,
Light in my darkness,
Pour over me your Holiness,
For You are Holy.
Breath of heaven.
Do you wonder as you watch my face,
If a wiser one should have had my place,
But I offer all I am
For the mercy of your plan.
Help me be strong.
Help me be.
Help me.
And I wondered if I was strong enough.
And God answered in the most amazing of ways.
He told me I did not need to be strong enough because He is strong enough for the both of us. In those darkest times when I felt like I was broken and barren, He was at work in me. When I felt lost and alone, He was at work beside me. He has guided me. He has cared for me. He has blessed me.
He has blessed me...because He is a Father who is with me always.
He has blessed me...with a husband to walk beside me.
He has blessed me...with a family to strengthen me.
He has blessed me...with friends that encourage me.
He has blessed me...with the joy of the morning.
26 November 2008
20 November 2008
Come to Me all you who are weary and heavy laden.
Today at work the management team offered a 'time of refreshment' to all the staff. Initially, I had no plans of going as our department is crazy busy these days. But my boss, who knows some of what I am going through, called me into her office and told me that she thought it would be good if I went. So I went.
I walked in during the worship time and was immediately brought to tears. Worshipping God seemed so hard today. I got very little sleep last night and woke up this morning to discover that my recurrent infection was living up to its name. I was frustrated and feeling incredibly drained. I feel as if every aspect of me is just completely spent. So I was really looking forward to what the visiting Pastor might have to say. I was sure he was going to have a Word of God for me.
And then he announced his sermon title:
"The Relationship between Israel and the Church."
And I started to cry. All morning I had felt like God was closing the door on me and now it seemed like it had been slammed shut. I didn't come to the time of refreshment for an intellectual discussion on Christianity and Judaism. I wanted peace. I wanted solace. I wanted to feel loved by God.
And then it came. In the misdt of all his academia I caught eight wonderful words:
'God's faithfulness does not depend on our faithfulness.'
How blessed am I to have a Father that does not return my lack of faith inkind.
How blessed am I to have a Father who places people in my life just as I need them.
How blessed am I to have a Father who has promised to carry my heavy burdens.
Father, I am weary. My shoulders are small and the burden I am carrying is great. Thank You for the reminder that You will carry my load, if only I am humble enough to release it.
I walked in during the worship time and was immediately brought to tears. Worshipping God seemed so hard today. I got very little sleep last night and woke up this morning to discover that my recurrent infection was living up to its name. I was frustrated and feeling incredibly drained. I feel as if every aspect of me is just completely spent. So I was really looking forward to what the visiting Pastor might have to say. I was sure he was going to have a Word of God for me.
And then he announced his sermon title:
"The Relationship between Israel and the Church."
And I started to cry. All morning I had felt like God was closing the door on me and now it seemed like it had been slammed shut. I didn't come to the time of refreshment for an intellectual discussion on Christianity and Judaism. I wanted peace. I wanted solace. I wanted to feel loved by God.
And then it came. In the misdt of all his academia I caught eight wonderful words:
'God's faithfulness does not depend on our faithfulness.'
How blessed am I to have a Father that does not return my lack of faith inkind.
How blessed am I to have a Father who places people in my life just as I need them.
How blessed am I to have a Father who has promised to carry my heavy burdens.
Father, I am weary. My shoulders are small and the burden I am carrying is great. Thank You for the reminder that You will carry my load, if only I am humble enough to release it.
17 November 2008
Independence
One of the things that I am finding to be most difficult is the reaction of others.
It seems as if certain people have me diagnosed with the worst case scenario and therefore feel the need to treat me as if I am an invalid. This drives me nuts. But instead of confronting these people I take my usual passive aggressive approach and have simply become fiercly independent around them. I simply flat out refuse to accept their pity. I appreciate their concern, I really do, but I will not be coddled. I will not be treated differently than my co-workers just because I am going through something difficult. I will not be defined by whatever comes of these tests. Why? Because I have more to offer than just being the 'sick girl.' I can contribute. I can work hard. I can continue on.
And I will.
(Because I am stubborn).
It seems as if certain people have me diagnosed with the worst case scenario and therefore feel the need to treat me as if I am an invalid. This drives me nuts. But instead of confronting these people I take my usual passive aggressive approach and have simply become fiercly independent around them. I simply flat out refuse to accept their pity. I appreciate their concern, I really do, but I will not be coddled. I will not be treated differently than my co-workers just because I am going through something difficult. I will not be defined by whatever comes of these tests. Why? Because I have more to offer than just being the 'sick girl.' I can contribute. I can work hard. I can continue on.
And I will.
(Because I am stubborn).
14 November 2008
Mountains and valleys.
Mere seconds ago I was in bed trying to sleep but I just could not get an analogy out of my head.
The other day my husband mentioned the value of being in the valley. As humans we see the mountaintop experiences of life as being the pinnacle and we want them to last indefinitely. But the very nature of the mountaintop experience is that it must be short lived. The physical reality of a high peak is daunting: the air gets thinner, the rock face grows steeper and the terrain grows increasingly barren. It simply is not possible for a person to remain at the top of the mountain for long without face dire consequences. We must go back down to the valley.
The valley, in contrast to the mountaintop, is filled with all the goodness of the physical earth. It is a place where we can be nourished and grow. A place where we can gain the strength that is needed for our short trip to the mountaintop that will come.
What I am learning is that while the mountaintops might be pretty to look at from afar, they are not a place where I can spend my life. I need the richness that can be found in the valley.
Now maybe I can get some sleep.
The other day my husband mentioned the value of being in the valley. As humans we see the mountaintop experiences of life as being the pinnacle and we want them to last indefinitely. But the very nature of the mountaintop experience is that it must be short lived. The physical reality of a high peak is daunting: the air gets thinner, the rock face grows steeper and the terrain grows increasingly barren. It simply is not possible for a person to remain at the top of the mountain for long without face dire consequences. We must go back down to the valley.
The valley, in contrast to the mountaintop, is filled with all the goodness of the physical earth. It is a place where we can be nourished and grow. A place where we can gain the strength that is needed for our short trip to the mountaintop that will come.
What I am learning is that while the mountaintops might be pretty to look at from afar, they are not a place where I can spend my life. I need the richness that can be found in the valley.
Now maybe I can get some sleep.
How long?
I am trying to come to terms with the overwhelming truth that the struggles that we are facing right now will not last forever. I know deep down that the Psalmist was right to say that 'weeping may last for the night but joy comes in the morning.' What I am wondering right now is how long is the night?
As a child I used to be terrified of nighttime. I would rush to bed early in the hopes that I would be asleep long before the rest of the family because one of my deepest fears was that I would be the only one awake in the house. I would lie in bed, enveloped in my blankets, and tremble at each tiny sound. My imagination would run rampant and I would regularly convince myself that there was a stranger in the house. It took me years to realize that I could control my thoughts and, as a result, the fear that used to have such a firm grip on me slowly loosened its hold.
These days I feel like I am living through an awfully long night and, once again, my imagination is getting the best of me. And I really don't like it. I don't like that my faith, which seemed so strong when I got the bad news, seems to be waning as time goes on. I want to come through this with a faith that has been tested by the fire. I want to make God proud.
I want to experience the joy of the morning.
As a child I used to be terrified of nighttime. I would rush to bed early in the hopes that I would be asleep long before the rest of the family because one of my deepest fears was that I would be the only one awake in the house. I would lie in bed, enveloped in my blankets, and tremble at each tiny sound. My imagination would run rampant and I would regularly convince myself that there was a stranger in the house. It took me years to realize that I could control my thoughts and, as a result, the fear that used to have such a firm grip on me slowly loosened its hold.
These days I feel like I am living through an awfully long night and, once again, my imagination is getting the best of me. And I really don't like it. I don't like that my faith, which seemed so strong when I got the bad news, seems to be waning as time goes on. I want to come through this with a faith that has been tested by the fire. I want to make God proud.
I want to experience the joy of the morning.
12 November 2008
Scared
There are few things that test ones faith as much as a struggle with your health.
In the last year I feel like I have seen it all. Doctor after doctor has given me news that is less than charming and time after time I willingly take on the fight. I have been taught to believe that all things happen for a reason and that as a good Christian woman I am expected to face these challenges with a brave face. But with each new diagnosis I find my brave face does not last as long. The tears flow sooner. The emotions boil over in mere minutes where I once could keep it hidden. I am struggling to understand what God is teaching me. I am struggling to understand if there is even anything to be taught. Maybe I am just being sifted to test the merit of my faith.
But doesn't God already know that my faith is so weak? Wouldn't someone else handle this with more poise and control than I? I am coming to learn that knowing that God doesn't make mistakes and believing that God doesn't make mistakes are two entirely different concepts. Some days I just can't figure it out and it drives me nuts. I want to brave. I want to be able to get frustrated without bursting into tears because my emotions are so out of whack. I want to be able to stop worrying about the future. I want to be able to trust God.
But I am scared. I am scared that these newest tests will come back with scary results. I am scared that my body will fail me. I am scared that what makes me a woman will be taken away.
In the last year I feel like I have seen it all. Doctor after doctor has given me news that is less than charming and time after time I willingly take on the fight. I have been taught to believe that all things happen for a reason and that as a good Christian woman I am expected to face these challenges with a brave face. But with each new diagnosis I find my brave face does not last as long. The tears flow sooner. The emotions boil over in mere minutes where I once could keep it hidden. I am struggling to understand what God is teaching me. I am struggling to understand if there is even anything to be taught. Maybe I am just being sifted to test the merit of my faith.
But doesn't God already know that my faith is so weak? Wouldn't someone else handle this with more poise and control than I? I am coming to learn that knowing that God doesn't make mistakes and believing that God doesn't make mistakes are two entirely different concepts. Some days I just can't figure it out and it drives me nuts. I want to brave. I want to be able to get frustrated without bursting into tears because my emotions are so out of whack. I want to be able to stop worrying about the future. I want to be able to trust God.
But I am scared. I am scared that these newest tests will come back with scary results. I am scared that my body will fail me. I am scared that what makes me a woman will be taken away.
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