Restoration

I think I would definitely blog more if it didn't take me ten minutes to figure out how to access blogger. Most times I just give up.

Vicious cycle, of course. The less I blog, the longer it takes me to find it.

Anyhoo.

I've been thinking a lot lately about where I fit on the "Christian" spectrum. For the first time since my undergrad years I am not studying/working in a Christian environment...and it feels great. That said, it is a challenge for me to figure out how to interact with those around me. I grew so accustomed to being surrounded by people who shared the basic tenets of my faith that it seems almost foreign to me to now be considered the odd one out.

It's good for me. It's good because it means I have to think more about how I present myself and how I am reflecting Christ. It's good because it forces me to be real. No one at work wants to hear the Christian-eze or see some emotional outburst. They want me to be me. No facade. No spiritualizing. Just me.

For the first time in years I feel like I am on a level-playing field. No one at work expects me to be perfect. They know I'm not so they would never think to hold me to that standard. My left-leaning social beliefs are not held against me here. I can be me.

It's strange to think that I feel more free to be "Christian" out in the world than I did at my last place of employment. Sad that I feel less judged here. Less like a failure.

I don't rule out ever working in a ministry position again. I'm not foolish enough to think that I can change the course that God has put me on. But I relish this time apart because I can sense that in this place He is restoring my soul.

I should write when life is good.

I started this blog as a journal for when I was going through some very challenging times. In rapid succession I was told I had a rare uterine anomaly; a mass on my kidney and that I was one step away from cancer (completely unrelated to the mass).

It would be dishonest of me to say that I handled everything gracefully.

What has turned out to be the most eye-openning lesson of that year is that I discovered something unique about myself. I discovered that I doubt God most during the minor inconveniences of life and trust Him most when things look darkest.

I can sit and fret about the silliest of matters and ask God

"Where are You? Why aren't You helping me?"

As if He really cares that I lost my keys.

But when life is at it's hardest. When all else seems lost. I find Him to be just as He should be. It is humbling to see such a pristine example of why God is in charge and I am not. He can bring me through fears of barrenness and cancer. I can't bring myself through a case of missing keys.

Two years removed from that most difficult year I find that God has, in His timing, removed each of the concerns that were presented to me during those troublesome days:

1) One day after the mass on my kidney was reported, no doctor or technician could find it.
2) One year after the 'near' cancer diagnosis I was told I didn't have to come back for further testing. No signs of pre-cancerous growth had ever been found after that first test.
3) Three years after I was told I had a uterine anomaly that might lead to premature or stillbirth, I gave birth to a healthy son.

All three things now tied-up neatly.

Life is good....and I should write about it.