Scared

There are few things that test ones faith as much as a struggle with your health.

In the last year I feel like I have seen it all. Doctor after doctor has given me news that is less than charming and time after time I willingly take on the fight. I have been taught to believe that all things happen for a reason and that as a good Christian woman I am expected to face these challenges with a brave face. But with each new diagnosis I find my brave face does not last as long. The tears flow sooner. The emotions boil over in mere minutes where I once could keep it hidden. I am struggling to understand what God is teaching me. I am struggling to understand if there is even anything to be taught. Maybe I am just being sifted to test the merit of my faith.

But doesn't God already know that my faith is so weak? Wouldn't someone else handle this with more poise and control than I? I am coming to learn that knowing that God doesn't make mistakes and believing that God doesn't make mistakes are two entirely different concepts. Some days I just can't figure it out and it drives me nuts. I want to brave. I want to be able to get frustrated without bursting into tears because my emotions are so out of whack. I want to be able to stop worrying about the future. I want to be able to trust God.

But I am scared. I am scared that these newest tests will come back with scary results. I am scared that my body will fail me. I am scared that what makes me a woman will be taken away.