Restoration

I think I would definitely blog more if it didn't take me ten minutes to figure out how to access blogger. Most times I just give up.

Vicious cycle, of course. The less I blog, the longer it takes me to find it.

Anyhoo.

I've been thinking a lot lately about where I fit on the "Christian" spectrum. For the first time since my undergrad years I am not studying/working in a Christian environment...and it feels great. That said, it is a challenge for me to figure out how to interact with those around me. I grew so accustomed to being surrounded by people who shared the basic tenets of my faith that it seems almost foreign to me to now be considered the odd one out.

It's good for me. It's good because it means I have to think more about how I present myself and how I am reflecting Christ. It's good because it forces me to be real. No one at work wants to hear the Christian-eze or see some emotional outburst. They want me to be me. No facade. No spiritualizing. Just me.

For the first time in years I feel like I am on a level-playing field. No one at work expects me to be perfect. They know I'm not so they would never think to hold me to that standard. My left-leaning social beliefs are not held against me here. I can be me.

It's strange to think that I feel more free to be "Christian" out in the world than I did at my last place of employment. Sad that I feel less judged here. Less like a failure.

I don't rule out ever working in a ministry position again. I'm not foolish enough to think that I can change the course that God has put me on. But I relish this time apart because I can sense that in this place He is restoring my soul.

I should write when life is good.

I started this blog as a journal for when I was going through some very challenging times. In rapid succession I was told I had a rare uterine anomaly; a mass on my kidney and that I was one step away from cancer (completely unrelated to the mass).

It would be dishonest of me to say that I handled everything gracefully.

What has turned out to be the most eye-openning lesson of that year is that I discovered something unique about myself. I discovered that I doubt God most during the minor inconveniences of life and trust Him most when things look darkest.

I can sit and fret about the silliest of matters and ask God

"Where are You? Why aren't You helping me?"

As if He really cares that I lost my keys.

But when life is at it's hardest. When all else seems lost. I find Him to be just as He should be. It is humbling to see such a pristine example of why God is in charge and I am not. He can bring me through fears of barrenness and cancer. I can't bring myself through a case of missing keys.

Two years removed from that most difficult year I find that God has, in His timing, removed each of the concerns that were presented to me during those troublesome days:

1) One day after the mass on my kidney was reported, no doctor or technician could find it.
2) One year after the 'near' cancer diagnosis I was told I didn't have to come back for further testing. No signs of pre-cancerous growth had ever been found after that first test.
3) Three years after I was told I had a uterine anomaly that might lead to premature or stillbirth, I gave birth to a healthy son.

All three things now tied-up neatly.

Life is good....and I should write about it.

I am always amazed at how God takes my moments of greatest panic and turns them into my moments of greatest realization.

Yesterday, I panicked.

Yesterday, God openned my eyes.

He sets loose the gales and ties the trees down tight.

That line is from a Caedmons's Call song that I have listend to a thousand times before but somehow I never actually heard it. That changed yesterday. Yes, God allows the storms and gales to come into our lives. Yes, God allows cancer and siezures and hurtful people. But God has already prepared us for each one. He is not going to put the children He loves into a situation without giving them the tools they need to endure it. I forget this fact on a daily basis. I forget my strength in Christ.

As I drove to the hospital yesterday I started to overthink things and I let my mind get out of control with worry becuase I knew I didn't have the strength to fight on my own. I had forgotten that God had me tied down tight.

Then it hit me. I shouted "Yes! That's it!"

And I went to my appointment with confidence.

God is good.

Mary's Song

In the last few weeks I have walked a road that I at times thought was impassable. I have wondered how long. I have wondered why me. I have sat in the passenger seat with tears streaming down my face as I listened to these words:

I am waiting in a silent prayer.
I am frightened by the load I bear.
In a world as cold as stone,
Must I walk this path alone?
Be with me now.
Be with me now.

Breath of heaven,
Hold me together,
Be forever near me,
Breath of heaven.
Breath of heaven,
Light in my darkness,
Pour over me your Holiness,
For You are Holy.
Breath of heaven.

Do you wonder as you watch my face,
If a wiser one should have had my place,
But I offer all I am
For the mercy of your plan.
Help me be strong.
Help me be.
Help me.

And I wondered if I was strong enough.

And God answered in the most amazing of ways.

He told me I did not need to be strong enough because He is strong enough for the both of us. In those darkest times when I felt like I was broken and barren, He was at work in me. When I felt lost and alone, He was at work beside me. He has guided me. He has cared for me. He has blessed me.

He has blessed me...because He is a Father who is with me always.

He has blessed me...with a husband to walk beside me.

He has blessed me...with a family to strengthen me.

He has blessed me...with friends that encourage me.

He has blessed me...with the joy of the morning.

Come to Me all you who are weary and heavy laden.

Today at work the management team offered a 'time of refreshment' to all the staff. Initially, I had no plans of going as our department is crazy busy these days. But my boss, who knows some of what I am going through, called me into her office and told me that she thought it would be good if I went. So I went.

I walked in during the worship time and was immediately brought to tears. Worshipping God seemed so hard today. I got very little sleep last night and woke up this morning to discover that my recurrent infection was living up to its name. I was frustrated and feeling incredibly drained. I feel as if every aspect of me is just completely spent. So I was really looking forward to what the visiting Pastor might have to say. I was sure he was going to have a Word of God for me.

And then he announced his sermon title:

"The Relationship between Israel and the Church."

And I started to cry. All morning I had felt like God was closing the door on me and now it seemed like it had been slammed shut. I didn't come to the time of refreshment for an intellectual discussion on Christianity and Judaism. I wanted peace. I wanted solace. I wanted to feel loved by God.

And then it came. In the misdt of all his academia I caught eight wonderful words:

'God's faithfulness does not depend on our faithfulness.'

How blessed am I to have a Father that does not return my lack of faith inkind.

How blessed am I to have a Father who places people in my life just as I need them.

How blessed am I to have a Father who has promised to carry my heavy burdens.

Father, I am weary. My shoulders are small and the burden I am carrying is great. Thank You for the reminder that You will carry my load, if only I am humble enough to release it.

Independence

One of the things that I am finding to be most difficult is the reaction of others.

It seems as if certain people have me diagnosed with the worst case scenario and therefore feel the need to treat me as if I am an invalid. This drives me nuts. But instead of confronting these people I take my usual passive aggressive approach and have simply become fiercly independent around them. I simply flat out refuse to accept their pity. I appreciate their concern, I really do, but I will not be coddled. I will not be treated differently than my co-workers just because I am going through something difficult. I will not be defined by whatever comes of these tests. Why? Because I have more to offer than just being the 'sick girl.' I can contribute. I can work hard. I can continue on.

And I will.

(Because I am stubborn).

Mountains and valleys.

Mere seconds ago I was in bed trying to sleep but I just could not get an analogy out of my head.

The other day my husband mentioned the value of being in the valley. As humans we see the mountaintop experiences of life as being the pinnacle and we want them to last indefinitely. But the very nature of the mountaintop experience is that it must be short lived. The physical reality of a high peak is daunting: the air gets thinner, the rock face grows steeper and the terrain grows increasingly barren. It simply is not possible for a person to remain at the top of the mountain for long without face dire consequences. We must go back down to the valley.

The valley, in contrast to the mountaintop, is filled with all the goodness of the physical earth. It is a place where we can be nourished and grow. A place where we can gain the strength that is needed for our short trip to the mountaintop that will come.

What I am learning is that while the mountaintops might be pretty to look at from afar, they are not a place where I can spend my life. I need the richness that can be found in the valley.

Now maybe I can get some sleep.